here you asked to know what i was thinking!

Just been to church, Xmas special. you want me to go to church on a regular basis i can tell you know that's not going to happen. i really didn't like it. you know when you think mentally you have got over something but actually haven't i sat in that fall with a sick feeling all the way through it even though Dave was next to me all the time i felt so alone, there is so much pain attached to that hall and no matter how much i pray about it i cant get rid of that pain. 3 years worth of sitting on your own walking out before the end every week in floods of tears because your so called friends haven't even said hello and when you try to talk to them they have better things to do, when your parents have just split up you would have thought that the church would be the best place to be friendly faces, someone to lean on? really that's not how it welcomed me into its loving arms ... i can cope with allot, for example my history and dealing with my nans death but for some reason i cant get rid of this. i miss church i really do and stick me in another church in the county and ill be fine but stick me in ours and I come home feeling like a worthless piece of s**t and just want to sob and come on it tales allot for me to cry I don't do crying! But if I don't go Jon's balls are on the line and it possible means I have to stop Slam and Heart of worship. which makes no sense because surely that's stopping God's work is it not?
If I do go back and sit though the same stuff I did for 3 years I am so scared I wont be strong enough in I am faith to come out the other side...
And to be honest I believe I live a more ... Christian....life than some of the people who go to church on a Sunday morning, they sing a few songs that have no meaning nod off in the talk have a chat and a coffee and go home. does that make you a follower, a believer? does really spending a few hours in a hall make you a Christian? really? ill just let you think about that what is the importance of going to a building if you worship an a very personal level and you like it to be a you and God thing. ... does that make you a bad Christian?