I’m getting into this whole blog thing, just write about random stuff I have realised that all my posts so far have been related to got or my faith in some way, I suppose that sums me up my life revolves around my faith, it sounds really sad but it does, when you meet me it may not come across like that but deep down it... I’m still stressing about church and what I’m going to do about that still worried about Heart of Worship, you know the saying "make all your mistakes in the church" at the moment it doesn’t feel like that the church is such an unforgiving place or that’s how its coming across, trying to set up this worship event I have faced so many problems, churches are worried that "my church" is trying to persuade their youth to leave there church, so some are very against it others I know if it goes badly will consider the church to be a failure, it will give the church a bad name and that is why Mr T is worrying about it. But at the end of the day what is he going to do? Stop it from happening? Surely that’s stopping someone from doing Gods work is it not? I don’t know I’m just worried that if I do mess up then no one will have the opportunity to do anything else. There is so much politics in the church its crazy! But mind you what is totally independent these days. How many things don’t have a time limit? How do you expect God to move in amazing spectacular ways if you say right you need to do your thing between 10:00 and 10:130?
I’m going off on one done read on if you don’t want I may bore you.
I think one thing in the church that needs to change is people turn up on a Sunday morning knowing exactly what is going to happen you sing you have a talk sing a little more then tea and coffee, maybe sometimes it needs to completely over the big guy, just turn around and say this is for you, have no sound system no band just a cd and praise let God work God is in the details make it so there are no distractions its you and him.is that not what its meant to be like? I know all churches have their own way of doing things but I think part of the main reason that we don’t see tens of people each week so touch by the holy spirit that they are crying or dancing or laying on the floor just out in it is because we are not expectant enough, when was the last time you sat in church and had a God moment? When was the last time more than a handful of people were prayed for? When was the last time some one out of the ordinary got up on stage and shared a word or picture? When was the last time you prayed? Or worshiped out side of church? Is God really the centre of your life? Of your pastors life? Of the church? Is it all about him or how many people you can get in the door or how much you can get in the offering? Just a few things to thing about....

Life

This is very strange I’m sitting in the staff room at work with me and all 6 of the managers at work writing this on my phone... that's my life at the moment being surrounded by people above me but that doesn't worry me,all I can think about is a conversation with Dave about the youth work conference earlier and all I really can think about is that statistic 82% of all the people in the bible who did big things were under 21that really sticks out to me somewhere it just stuck...isn’t it amazing how things words, facts get stuck in your head, and what things turn into. I’m one of the most strangest people to pick yet in January I’m running a worship event god has strange and wonderful plans and it looks like I’m involved but in a way they scares the bgeebers out of me! I suppose the only way I stay with it is surrounding myself with people who can help me and support me. All my friends who give me such laughs and fun and help take the stress away a bit, my amazing boyfriend Dave he is just my rock he'll talk things through with me for hours until I know what I’m doing and have things all right in my head, he is always there even if its for me just to freak out on and just have a cuddle he always makes me feel better! And there is Jon what can I say he has helped me through so much too he is one of those people who will go out of his way to help people, he is the reason Heart of Worship is up off the ground he helped me make sense of everything, he is juts great but in a different way to Dave of course. So thanks guys love you all to bits! x

here you asked to know what i was thinking!

Just been to church, Xmas special. you want me to go to church on a regular basis i can tell you know that's not going to happen. i really didn't like it. you know when you think mentally you have got over something but actually haven't i sat in that fall with a sick feeling all the way through it even though Dave was next to me all the time i felt so alone, there is so much pain attached to that hall and no matter how much i pray about it i cant get rid of that pain. 3 years worth of sitting on your own walking out before the end every week in floods of tears because your so called friends haven't even said hello and when you try to talk to them they have better things to do, when your parents have just split up you would have thought that the church would be the best place to be friendly faces, someone to lean on? really that's not how it welcomed me into its loving arms ... i can cope with allot, for example my history and dealing with my nans death but for some reason i cant get rid of this. i miss church i really do and stick me in another church in the county and ill be fine but stick me in ours and I come home feeling like a worthless piece of s**t and just want to sob and come on it tales allot for me to cry I don't do crying! But if I don't go Jon's balls are on the line and it possible means I have to stop Slam and Heart of worship. which makes no sense because surely that's stopping God's work is it not?
If I do go back and sit though the same stuff I did for 3 years I am so scared I wont be strong enough in I am faith to come out the other side...
And to be honest I believe I live a more ... Christian....life than some of the people who go to church on a Sunday morning, they sing a few songs that have no meaning nod off in the talk have a chat and a coffee and go home. does that make you a follower, a believer? does really spending a few hours in a hall make you a Christian? really? ill just let you think about that what is the importance of going to a building if you worship an a very personal level and you like it to be a you and God thing. ... does that make you a bad Christian?